I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
