Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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