So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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