my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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