I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
