wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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