I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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