My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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