Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
