My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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