i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
