TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
