I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
