the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
