I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
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Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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