my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
