This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
