the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
