Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
