Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
