Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
