There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.