Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
