I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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