I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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