I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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