So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
