The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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