Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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