eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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