When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He did a backflip because drugs
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
