I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
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Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.