no, he came in my armpit
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
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Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
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Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.