Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it