you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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