Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
