I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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