Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
