we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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