I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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