I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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