No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
