i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
