My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
