so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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