Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
