Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
