my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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