im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
