we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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