you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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