He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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