between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
