I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
