i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
