Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
