the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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