I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
