I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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