You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
